I lost my babies, Buchanan & Leonor, going into pre-term labor at 15.5 weeks due to an undected infection. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I have waited so long to be a mom, something I have wanted more than anything in this world. I waited and waited for the right guy to come along, all while working hard, saving money, building my life so that I would be ready when the time comes. All of those things happened except the right guy never and still has not come along. So being as independent as I am, I moved forward without him. I researched donors, chose one and started my journey. After a miscarriage at 6 weeks, I got pregnant again with my twins. As much as I was shocked it was twins, I wasn't at the same time. Given my age, taking Clomid and the genetics that run in my family, I instinctively knew I was having two. Every day I was worried that I would lose them, every single day. But never did I expect I would in the manner I did, and therefore was completely blindsided. 

On July 23, 2017 Buchanan entered this world at 7:23pm and Leanor (Nori) entered at 10:30pm. To be able to deliver them, hold them, love them and say goodbye was both a blessing and a curse. I consider myself lucky to have been able to do all of those things, have newborn photos of them, have the hospital give me many a different keepsakes. I am grateful to have met my babies and now have them in heaven watching over me and protecting me and their future siblings as I forge on and try again. 

The strongest words I have received and have resonated with me were:

You are a great mother. You have the scars and the marks on your heart from your children to prove it. Your future children will love you for your perserverance and it will carry on in them because of it. You're the best, deserve the best and will get the best. It's all out there for you. It just hasn't found you yet. That's what will make it that much more amazing when it does.

Those words and especially the words "You are a great mother" really stuck with me. I am a mother, just because my children did not survive, still means I am a mother. A mother who is going to help support other mothers that have lost their children and help spread awareness of all of the things that we don't know about that could happen during pregnancy. To prevent this from happening to just one person means I have been successful. This is a club I never thought to be a part of but I am now, and I am going to help others be strong and move forward, our angels deserve that and so do their rainbow siblings.